And So It Begins...
Here it is, the long awaited blog I have been promising to write. It will be a weekly catch up with all the highs and lows from the last 7 days. All spelling and punctuation errors are intentional, obviously.
The week started with the lure of a trip to Leicester and sleepovers at Dan's house, naturally I jumped at the chance.
I jumped in Selina's car and we set off on our travels, stopping first as South Oxhey Tesco. Selina "Oblivious to her surroundings" Topp swung into the forecourt and effectively blocked off a car from leaving. As usual I had to run in and get the drinks so Selina started reeling off an order consisting of foods high in saturated fats and a bottle of water. During this time the owner of the trapped vehicle returned, a woman around 85 years old, hunched over and barely able to walk, she politely tapped on the window and asked if Selina could move as her husband is gravely ill and she needs to give him his medicine, Selina responded with "thats not my fault, i'll move when i'm ready".
I quickly got out the car and scurried to the cashpoint, again the woman politely asked "can you please move your car, are you doing this to spite me?" honest words and a fair question I'm sure you'll agree, but still Selina remained parked, the woman then got in her car and waited a while before getting out and with a single tear falling down her weathered cheek she cried "please move your car, Derek is all I have I don't know what I'd do if I lost him as well". By this time I had returned and done my best to comfort the lady with kind words and showing some human emotion.
I managed to defuse the whole situation in seconds, this unsavoury episode really highlighted a point which i'm sure will become a recurring theme in this blog.... Selina's floundering attempts at human interaction.
A quick point to mention was my uncanny ability to predict a man was going to cut in at a roundabout about 30 seconds before he did it. Not really adding anything to the day but I wrote it in the notes so I had to mention it.
The week consisted of creations of the mind and body, some areas I performed better in. Needless to say manual labour is not my strong point, I blame the EU for this as without a flood of cheap foreign labour I would surely be a master craftsman by now.
Dan created a booth which Selina treated with such adulation it was reminiscent of BeatleMania, ultimately though the booth went to the great woodshed in the sky and was chucked on the scrap heap which was already being propped up by a multitude of wonky boxes, a flap, and a well thought out but poorly executed target.
The week had an air of panic to it as in typical fashion the last minute is always the best minute, it had shades of that fateful night in Barcelona as Manchester United scored 2 injury time goals to beat Bayern Munich and clinch the coveted Champions League Trophy.
The place was crawling with builders and electricians, there was barely room to breathe, but we managed it. Dan handled the construction costs with the sort of attitude you'd expect from a guy thats just won the lottery, I suppose when time is against you then sometimes a cost has to be swallowed, in this instance Dan not only swallowed but removed his belt, bent over and waited for Big Neil to come in for his final payment.
We piled into Selina's car, not known for it's generous legroom, Dan graciously allowed me to sit in the front due to my long slender legs. He did request I move forward though as he found it a bit tight in the back, Selina decided that Dan was having more than his fair share of the left side of the car and accused him of being a "space hog". Quite where she got this phrase from is a mystery but it sparked a nice exchange of words about pigs working for NASA and some humour had by all, it really wouldn't have looked out of place on my podcast (coming soon, just waiting for the shelves and bean bags to arrive).
After some quick research pigs have never even been to space let alone worked for NASA although the Russians did create a short film about the scenario, with naturally hilarious consequences.
Here are some pictures of the pigs fateful journey.
The week started with the lure of a trip to Leicester and sleepovers at Dan's house, naturally I jumped at the chance.
I jumped in Selina's car and we set off on our travels, stopping first as South Oxhey Tesco. Selina "Oblivious to her surroundings" Topp swung into the forecourt and effectively blocked off a car from leaving. As usual I had to run in and get the drinks so Selina started reeling off an order consisting of foods high in saturated fats and a bottle of water. During this time the owner of the trapped vehicle returned, a woman around 85 years old, hunched over and barely able to walk, she politely tapped on the window and asked if Selina could move as her husband is gravely ill and she needs to give him his medicine, Selina responded with "thats not my fault, i'll move when i'm ready".
I quickly got out the car and scurried to the cashpoint, again the woman politely asked "can you please move your car, are you doing this to spite me?" honest words and a fair question I'm sure you'll agree, but still Selina remained parked, the woman then got in her car and waited a while before getting out and with a single tear falling down her weathered cheek she cried "please move your car, Derek is all I have I don't know what I'd do if I lost him as well". By this time I had returned and done my best to comfort the lady with kind words and showing some human emotion.
I managed to defuse the whole situation in seconds, this unsavoury episode really highlighted a point which i'm sure will become a recurring theme in this blog.... Selina's floundering attempts at human interaction.
A quick point to mention was my uncanny ability to predict a man was going to cut in at a roundabout about 30 seconds before he did it. Not really adding anything to the day but I wrote it in the notes so I had to mention it.
The week consisted of creations of the mind and body, some areas I performed better in. Needless to say manual labour is not my strong point, I blame the EU for this as without a flood of cheap foreign labour I would surely be a master craftsman by now.
Dan created a booth which Selina treated with such adulation it was reminiscent of BeatleMania, ultimately though the booth went to the great woodshed in the sky and was chucked on the scrap heap which was already being propped up by a multitude of wonky boxes, a flap, and a well thought out but poorly executed target.
The week had an air of panic to it as in typical fashion the last minute is always the best minute, it had shades of that fateful night in Barcelona as Manchester United scored 2 injury time goals to beat Bayern Munich and clinch the coveted Champions League Trophy.
The place was crawling with builders and electricians, there was barely room to breathe, but we managed it. Dan handled the construction costs with the sort of attitude you'd expect from a guy thats just won the lottery, I suppose when time is against you then sometimes a cost has to be swallowed, in this instance Dan not only swallowed but removed his belt, bent over and waited for Big Neil to come in for his final payment.
We piled into Selina's car, not known for it's generous legroom, Dan graciously allowed me to sit in the front due to my long slender legs. He did request I move forward though as he found it a bit tight in the back, Selina decided that Dan was having more than his fair share of the left side of the car and accused him of being a "space hog". Quite where she got this phrase from is a mystery but it sparked a nice exchange of words about pigs working for NASA and some humour had by all, it really wouldn't have looked out of place on my podcast (coming soon, just waiting for the shelves and bean bags to arrive).
After some quick research pigs have never even been to space let alone worked for NASA although the Russians did create a short film about the scenario, with naturally hilarious consequences.
Here are some pictures of the pigs fateful journey.
During another journey Selina "tin hat" Topp claimed that she once had a conversation about something and then went on to Facebook Mobile and saw an advert for it, prompting her to conclude that Facebook listens to your conversations. She talked at me for a good 10 minutes telling me how her phone is listening to her all the time, she then decided to prove this point by calling Dan who was supposed to confirm this Facebook story occurred. What happened next was another 10 minutes of Selina trying to voice dial Dan shouting "Call Dan FDMS" over and over again while the phone talked over her and listed completely unrelated options before finally settling with "radio station not available". On this occasion Selina's paranoia really shone through and her theory fell flat on its face, this will unlikely stop her as she continues on her quest to prove the universe is against her.
We had a meeting lined up, the name of the company will be omitted in the event they happen to find this blog. Grant and Dan admired the design provided by the company and said sure a couple of things here and there need to change but overall its good. Step forward Selina "I could do it for cheaper" Topp who proceeded to tell 2 people with a combined 60 years in design that they have "no creativity" and it "looks cheap". There was also a situation where Selina crumbled under immense social awkwardness and paid for some drinks even though she had been in Dan's ear ALL morning, Dan took a call mid meeting, and one of the designers slipped me her number, obviously I won't call because I'm married to the money baby no one can change that.
Purchase of the week went to Selina "bang for my buck" Topp as she hesitantly secured 3 christmas baubles for $3 (I have an Australian keyboard so pound and dollar signs will be interchangeable), hesitant because they had varying prices on them and she didn't want to pay more than she had to, approaching the cashier with the sort of apprehension you'd expect from someone getting off a train at Birkenau. I must add that these balls each weigh as much as a bag of sugar so what tree these balls will hang on is currently a mystery.
The garden centre also offered the worlds driest bacon sandwich, we were given 1 sachet of ketchup for the whole sandwich, confirming that the purse strings are pulled just a little bit tighter the more north you go.
Out in the parking lot Grant and Dan walked to the van, fast approaching was a guy weighed down with a box of priceless china vases, as he got closer he dropped his keys, Dan edged towards the man and offered to pick them up at which point the guy threw his box on the floor and dived on top of his keys. The man clearly had trust issues or he thought Dan looked a bit dodgy, either way he picked up his box of debris and walked into the shop.
Other short snippets of the week include Selina buying 8 Terry's chocolate oranges from a service station, Selina forgetting Dan's card causing mayhem which ended up in a bottle of diet coke being spilled in the office, a cashier in mcdonalds asking if we would like to pay with cash or card, we said card and he said he can only take cash as the machines are not working, quite why he offered us the option is currently unknown but I think it was an inability to think for himself. A con man coming into the shop, handing out a business card and linking us to his website which claims he worked on the trailers for Star Wars, Essex Boys, Green Street and some other films, all linked a youtube channel in the name of some man that looks similar but with a different name, more on this story as it develops.
Until next time....
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